We often hesitate to share our feelings because we fear how others might perceive us. We keep our emotions bottled up, not realizing that most people have felt the same way at some point. In truth, expressing how we feel is often met with more acceptance than we expect.
Still, it’s easier said than done—especially if you were raised to suppress your emotions because your parents didn’t understand or acknowledge them.
Children who grow up in households where expressing opinions is discouraged, and the parent is always “right,” often enter adulthood feeling helpless or overwhelmed during conflict. They learn early that talking about their feelings leads nowhere. As adults, they may struggle to articulate their emotions, repress how they feel, view conflict as a threat to the relationship, and find it difficult to build emotional intimacy.
According to holistic psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera, “People with avoidant attachment patterns will shut down anytime there is conflict, try to put off uncomfortable conversations, and not express how they feel.”
Dr. LePera also notes that individuals who shut down often carry a deep fear of abandonment. To protect themselves from the pain of potential loss, they distance themselves emotionally—believing that if they never fully commit, the hurt will be less if the relationship ends.
However, not every person who grows up in an emotionally neglectful environment will develop this pattern. Sometimes, a single event—like a playground embarrassment or a public breakup—can shape similar emotional responses.
Imagine a sixth-grader whose boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with them in front of the entire class. Overcome with embarrassment and emotion, they become the center of unwanted attention. That moment can serve as a lasting warning, encouraging them to avoid vulnerability in future relationships.
These emotional imprints become internal signals, cautioning them to keep others at a distance to stay safe. The environment we grow up in plays a pivotal role. With supportive parenting, children can learn to process big emotions in a healthy way. Parents who acknowledge and talk about feelings teach their children that emotions are natural, even when they’re painful.
Conversely, in families where emotions are ignored or minimized, children are taught to suppress their feelings—especially after painful events like the death of a loved one or a breakup. If such events go unspoken, the child may internalize the idea that the way to “move on” is to shut down. But the healthier alternative is to talk through these painful moments, even when it hurts in the short term.
If you grew up this way—or still behave this way—remember: that was your past, not your future. You can’t change how you reacted or what happened back then, but you can shape what happens from this point forward.
Pay attention to your feelings as they arise. Get curious about them. Talk to the people you care about—your partner, kids, parents, or friends. Let them know when you’re frustrated, sad, joyful, or excited. These emotions are part of what makes us human. They’re here to guide us, not shame us.
Embrace all of them.
Take care.